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FERRELL INAUGURATES B'WAY-BOUND BUSH BASH

By JACKSON F. KURTIS

A helicopter tether falls from the ceiling and an annoyed ex-president, George W. Bush, is lowered to the stage.

"I told them to take me someplace interesting. Someone suggested the Island of Manhattan," he says. "But I didn't realize that's just the Indian word for New York City."

With that, comedian Will Ferrell kicks off his two-hour monologue, "You're Welcome, America. A Final Night with George W. Bush."

The show premieres at the Cort Theatre on West 48th Street in February, but a surprised audience - which included "Juno" star Michael Cera - got a sneak peak of the sketch this week as Ferrell perfected his "strategery" at Los Angeles' Upright Citizens Brigade theater.

According to people in the audience, Ferrell jokes about:

* Global warming: "I believe in that about as much as I believe in Bigfoot. Then again, I believe in Bigfoot about 80 percent, so I guess that's pretty real."

* The Geneva Convention: "The laws that will govern us when we colonize the moon."

* The contested 2000 presidential election and Al Gore's retracted concession: "That kind of p - ssed me off, since I had already taped my M-80s [fireworks] to my superhero action figure."

* Reducing water-quality standards: "Everyone knows that after calcium, arsenic is the most important ingredient for strong bones."

* Dick Cheney: "Some say he's the strongest president we've ever had . . . He shot a guy in the face and that guy apologized to him."

* Drilling in ANWR: "It would give the animals something to talk about."

* Finding Osama bin Laden: "Kinda dropped the ball on that one."

Beyond the one-liners, Ferrell's portrayal of Bush was surprisingly touching, as in moments when he mused about the members of the military who had died.

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